Written: September 2021
Reading Time: 4 Minutes
I was at a point in my life where I hit rock bottom and I turned to my drug of choice as a way to escape from what felt like my life crumbling around me. I felt like the wind was taken out of me, my confidence and self-esteem was just so low and I was left feeling hollow inside as a person. My drug of choice was crystal methamphetamine, also known as ‘ice’, and it quickly became something I depended on to calm my stress and anxiety.
It soon became something I could not go without and something I needed to use to deal and cope with everyday living. Ultimately it was something I needed to function in everyday life.
This dependency brought chaos and havoc. I wasn’t able to stay in a job for longer than 4 months, I got evicted from my apartment because I was behind in rent, I made choices that were affecting my safety and the safety of others and I had to work long days or multiple casual jobs to feed my habit.
While this was impacting my life in a physical way, the true impacts were the mental and emotional tolls it was having, especially when I was experiencing psychosis. Reflecting on my active addiction, the psychosis was happening a lot earlier on than I thought it did. It took me a long time to accept what was happening and that this wasn’t real and that this was a symptom of drug induced psychosis. The psychosis I was experiencing was debilitating and often left me feeling scared for my life, for example I couldn’t leave my house or front door because of the voices I was hearing stopped me from leaving my house.
I was finally brought to my knees when the psychosis became too intense, but I was conflicted. I genuinely wanted to stop using but after trying and with the help of doctors and attending the 12 step program NA, I couldn’t. I was in too deep and felt there was no way out other than suicide. I just didn’t want to deal with this anymore.
In May 2019, I was looking at suicide as the only option and I don’t know what came over me in the moment, but I decided to call a friend and ask for help. This was a battle I was trying to win on my own and asking for help was for me a sign of weakness. But picking up that phone changed my life. It started the process of getting in touch with services and health professionals who eventually helped me to check myself into detox and rehab.
Rehab gave me the opportunity to hit the reset button on my life and gave me the foundations to live a normal life as an addict. If you are reading this and feeling you don’t know where to start, I encourage you to just pick up the phone and ask for help. The best advice I can give, based on my own experience so far, is to reach out to a friend or a professional. Because while it may feel like you are alone in a very dark place, help is out there for you. It can change your life.
Written by Tony D – Recovering Ice Addict.